You absolutely have a right to not be okay with the You’re a lying, dog-faced pony soldier For T-Shirt he treats you, no matter how much he may try to tell you otherwise. It is not okay that he makes you feel unloved and undesirable. It is not normal to be so afraid of him finding out you’re seeking help. You do not ever have to convince yourself that you’re okay with someone you love making you feel so low. It is not okay and there isn’t a single thing you could ever do to justify him making you feel this way. It is 100% on him. Please try to remind yourself of this every day.
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Twenty years is less than twenty one. I understand that it’s hard to imagine a You’re a lying, dog-faced pony soldier For T-Shirt without him around (while he wants you far away from his life I’m sure he’s absolutely the largest part of your life), but you really can get away and it really does get better. You will heal and you will get to know yourself again, you’ll meet new people who will love you in a way that doesn’t hurt you. You are amazing and have so much life ahead of you, it’s never too late to break free.